by Dezra Lawson

 

I didn’t want to tell my story. I wanted to take it to the grave. I was OK with having a select few know it. In fact, I had to have several conversations within my family before I posted this for the public to read. Four days before this blog was due, I was still trying to back out.

 

But God. . . .

 

Throughout this past year, I have had many strong urges from God telling me not to keep my story to myself anymore. These feelings grew stronger as I often ignored them, afraid of the judgment of others, afraid of how someone might view the person I used to be, and the decisions I had made. When I ignored these urges to tell my story, I felt my body getting hot, my breaths feeling shallower one after the next, but I would yet again let an opportunity pass in which I was supposed to share.

 

It may have been “practice” for the right opportunity or person, but as time passed the more I ignored it, these urges became too strong to dismiss. Eventually, I began to share my story, telling how a life was saved, I was redeemed, shown a deep kind of fatherly love, and chosen by God. That was not meant to be kept a secret and as our lead pastor Brad Wilson mentioned this past Sunday, “My mess is my message.”

 

Unplanned

It was around midnight on a warm evening in July 2007. I was lying on the couch of my tiny but quaint one-bedroom apartment. I was reflecting on a lot of things, but mainly contemplating my future as I mindlessly scrolled through the channels of cable TV, hitting one commercial after the next. Mind you, this was before you could record and fast-forward shows—this was the time when you could take advantage of commercial breaks and run for a quick snack, restroom break, or flip over the laundry. I had enjoyed watching commercials ever since I was a young girl. I always paid attention to the uniqueness of them, how they tried to sell you something in thirty seconds or less, and who they were trying to reach with their message. This was one of the reasons I chose marketing as my minor in college.

 

I had just graduated from college two months ago, and I had many dreams concerning what might happen after school. I spent my days applying for jobs in Chicago, the big-city dreamer I was! I envisioned this spectacular city life—me, a businesswoman, riding the metro to work every day, living in a city apartment, most likely a high rise! I also was less than a week away from an appointment for an abortion at Planned Parenthood.

 

An unplanned pregnancy wasn’t in my plans. I had no desire to be a mother, I thought I would be a horrible one and wanted to stay as far away from motherhood as I could. Additionally, I was not in a committed relationship with the father. I didn’t even ask him to be involved or give him an option. I approached the news by saying to him, “Hey, I’m pregnant, and you need to help cover the financial cost for this abortion.” The lies that came into my head right away are very disturbing, especially as I replay them now by writing it down and hearing the words come out of my mouth.

 

Wrapped

As I was flipping through the TV channels, I stopped on a baby commercial, flipped again, yet another baby commercial. I was alert, but not exactly honed into what was happening to me. I flipped the channel once more and landed the third consecutive time on a baby commercial. Now catching my attention, I said aloud to myself, “If I flip this one more time and it’s another baby commercial, I’m seriously going to freak out.”

 

I hit the remote and sure enough I saw a baby in a diaper, walking with his arms stretched out for balance as he was taking wobbly steps to his mom who was waiting for him with a warm loving smile and embrace. I immediately broke down in tears, sobbing like the baby from the commercial two channels prior. I became instantly aware of the life-changing decision and the huge mistake I was about to make and that there was life inside me that I was going to end. At the same time as I was feeling these emotions, I had an overwhelming blanket of peace and comfort wrapped around me that I can’t explain to this day. It was as if I were being wrapped in the arms of my heavenly Father. I could feel it. He was there for me when I realized I was alone, broken, torn, selfish, listening to the lies of the enemy that I wasn’t good enough for this motherhood thing. When I feared that my family would be disappointed, and that I should be ashamed and embarrassed, he was there to take that all away.

 

My plan became clear, to call the next day and cancel the appointment and be content no matter the decision the father would choose to play in this baby’s life. In that moment, I chose life, and I chose to live a life that would have a lot of unknowns. I knew I would need to lean on God and trust him fully. When I called Planned Parenthood the next morning, I was welcomed by the receptionist who supported my decision to choose life and cancel the appointment.

 

Chosen

It’s amazing how the enemy sneaks in while you’re down, lacking confidence, and unsure of what the future holds. Although I was living a life of sin and ignoring God every day, he loved me enough to reach me in a way only he could do, offering no other option for me than to realize it was him. I don’t believe my own mother knew of my love and attentiveness for commercials, how I internalized and overanalyzed them. But El Roi, “the God who sees,” knew! He loved me enough to reach me through my brokenness, assuring me that there was still room for me in his kingdom despite my mistakes.

 

As my pregnancy moved along, I began a relationship with the baby’s father. I gave him an opportunity to be a father and the prospect for us to grow our relationship beyond just the physical. We are now happily married with four boys, ages seven to seventeen. Wow! I shudder to think how many lies I heard from the enemy, trying to destroy me and my future! Not only was I saved from continuing to live a life not serving my Father God, but my oldest son who had no say in the matter was given a chance to live. The deep regret I would have felt had I chosen to follow through with an abortion would still haunt me. I know I would’ve been redeemed and forgiven, but my life would not be where it is now. There’s a chance my husband and I wouldn’t have connected after the abortion, and I wouldn’t have married my soulmate, and have my happy-but-crazy four boys. As Aydric approaches his senior year in high school, and I watch him flourish in marching band, I often thank God for prompting me to spare his life. He is one step closer to gaining his independence as an adult, living a life that I almost robbed him of.

 

I find joy in the partnership that Christ’s Church has with the ministry of Life Forward. Every year our church collects money in their “Change for Life” baby bottles, supporting the wonderful pregnancy care ministry they offer to women in crisis. They have been serving women and families since 1984, empowering them to make life-affirming decisions through God’s love. Although I didn’t need to use abortion services, I see how many women can find themselves in a position of loneliness or abuse, vulnerable to the lies from the enemy that they are not enough. Funds raised for Life Forward provide vital services such as counseling, parenting education, material assistance, and spiritual guidance. Click here to find out more about Life Forward.

 

“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me’” (Genesis 16:13, NIV).

 

Dezra Lawson works part-time as the communications project coordinator at Christ’s Church. She and her husband, Mike, have four active boys ages 7-17, and two female dogs, a lab and lab mix. She enjoys finding new hiking trails to walk on her AllTrails app, photo taking, and sneaking bites of creamy chocolate.